These past few days, much has been written about what I did which killed eight tourists and injured several others. The tragedy caused unfortunate and yet understandable reactions from those who care dearly about the victims, me, and our Philippines as a country. There have been fault-finding and blame-pointing here and there.
I did what I did. And I paid for it. The outcome was not what I had imagined.
Did I really intend to hurt and kill anyone? No.
I was neither a terrorist nor a criminal. I used to protect civilians as a policeman. As a dedicated officer, I received commendations including an outstanding policeman in 1986. I was a family man, a comrade to Manila's Finest.
For months, I suffered from the thoughts of a wasted career and a ruined life. What else could a man live for if these things were taken away from me without due process?
As a citizen, I wrote letters to authorities to look at my case. I did not get any response. One response, either positive or negative, would have been sufficient to calm my restless thoughts. I was just another Juan, a series of numbers in files.
One day, I could not bear it any longer. I did what I knew could catch their attention. I was a policeman, in my heart and outside. I risked my life in the call of duty. With commitment on my uniform and life, I prepared myself for this day.
It could have been any other buses in the area. I did not target Chinese to be my hostages. It so happened that their bus was where I was.
There were two simple things in my mind. I really thought that they were simple. I did not ask for huge amount of money. I did not seek fame. I just wanted my life and career back.
One, I wanted to expedite the resolution of my administrative case in the Ombudsman for alleged extortion. Two, I demanded to be reinstated as a policeman with full benefits as I neared my retirement from service. I would like to end my career with pride.
I knew too that this could be the defining moment of my career. It was here and now.
I was sober, temperate in my decisions and actions. I was in Manila. I felt I was with my comrades. They were not my enemies. I had no enemies. I even released a number of hostages. I asked for food for the hostages.
When it was becoming clear that I would not get what I demanded, I felt betrayed. I felt no one understood me. I felt nothing inside me. I had nothing anymore. I risked everything for this day. Everything in me. I lost.
"And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." - Matthew 25:30
Yours,
Ex-policeman, a servant
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